It’s been ages since I wrote a blog. Life feeling completely normal makes coming up with something unique much more difficult. And I know life isn’t really normal. There are still tons of things that if an outsider saw, they would thing we were insane for not reacting. But we humans can adapt, and adapt Daniel and I have done. More and more our brains think Indonesia. I was called out last week by a new volunteer for saying “Tomorrow Thursday” because in Indonesian if you want to talk about a day coming up (not actually tomorrow), you say Besok (Tomorrow) and then specify the day (such as Thursday). Even though I was speaking in English, my brain was thinking in Indonesian.
The last month or so I hit a low-ish point in my thoughts and feelings. This, they say, is completely normal as the “Stages of Adjustment to Peace Corps Volunteers” goes up and down throughout everyone’s service. Ask my family, I’ve always had a bent towards negative, critical thoughts, most of them targeted at myself. I try to keep them in check, but occasionally they get their claws in deep and take control. When this happens, my attitude, outlook, and behavior is awful. I end up passive aggressively hurting others. Daniel has done a great job of attempting to emotionally support me as I beat myself up, and also call me out when I’m out of line. I truly don’t enjoy those blunt, honest conversations, but deep down, I know I need to hear it.
Anyway, this rough patch led me to take up a book that Daniel’s dad sent us called the Bondage Breaker. I’m not finished yet but the gist of it is that those self deprecating thoughts might not actually be your own, but instead evil whispers from the King of Lies, Satan himself. With those cruel words, the devil can rip me apart, or at least instill enough fear in me to cause me to never quite take the risks I know I need to make in order to grow.
The emotions that have been slowly building up have inhibited me from fully taking advantage of the opportunities that are all around me here. I have feared of failure. I have had in my head the lie that pushing the envelope and trying something new or different will result in complete disaster and everyone around me seeing how incapable I really am at excelling in this life. I have had in my head that I just don’t have what it takes, that I’m not good enough. In this culture, I know I’m not the only one who has suffered from this curse.
So now I’m at a crossroads. With this knowledge I hope to make some changes in my life. Tiny risks at first, like forcing myself to stay up at school longer than I really want to and seek out as many awkward conversations I can with the students and teachers. Bigger ones like re-attempting my goal to learn how to sew, and finally putting to test whether or not I could ever really be a photographer. To be blunt, it’s time to shit or get off the pot, or living here, I guess I can call it shit or get off the squatty potty. The lies, the fear, the hiding behind Daniel’s very capable personality, has to stop. I refuse to let me life run away without me really being part of it. I refuse to wake up a year from now when our service will end, and regret all the things I didn’t do.
So there you go. Writing this blog alone is very uncomfortable for me, as opening up with who knows how many people about what I’ve been going through, takes some pride swallowing. I hope by admitting to myself and others that I need to tell the Devil to shut it, my conviction will be even stronger. I have taken some of the advice of the Bondage Breaker book literally and spoken to the devil out loud telling him to take his lies somewhere else. Thanks to my amazing Savior, Satan and this world really doesn’t have any control of me. I just have to be strong enough to believe it.
*We have booked tickets home to the USA and will be home for Christmas and New Years!
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